Eccentric MP Sandy Agnew, famed for his antics like filibustering over a pie and sewer escapades, dies at 87 after rescuing a squirrel.
Sandy Agnew is dead. The veteran member of the Shimmering Parliament has finally set down his fabled meat pie, hung up what he famously called his twig wig and departs the Guardian City political scene for good, taking with him a sense of colour and playfulness.
The Unity Party stalwart, who held Cabinet positions in four separate Governments but never liked restraint, had declared he would only leave politics in a box. That was another promise on which he delivered.
His death, at the age of 87, is noteworthy as his life and typical of the man. According to Judy, his wife of 53 years, Agnew left his marital bed and descended down a grate into the sewers after hearing mewling. He found a squirrel trapped beneath the grate.
Sandy Agnew has a fitting departure
He was nursing the squirrel with warm milk and tales of his own time underground when the squirrel became fractious and bit the genial raconteur. The bite sent Agnew into a fatal shock. He had a lifelong allergy to nuts.
“The squirrel looked remorseful,” was his wife Judy’s only comment when she addressed reporters at the front door of their constituency home in Marlborough Street.
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Judy was a noted beauty in her day who spent the last few years writing her autobiography. She made her debut as the Witch in JC Denning’s black farce The Witchicle which ran for 276 days in the Trample District. Sandy Agnew attended every performance, including matinees, to win her hand, much to the fury of his party who lost a number of key votes due to his absence.
Prime minister pays tribute
The prime minister Norbert Folgate paid tribute to his old friend and occasional opponent. He said, “He was a singular man, who attracted great affection. We imagined he might mellow with age but the opposite was true. We miss politicians of principle and character.”
Politics move at pace and his Scriven’s Yelp seat, suddenly up for grabs will leave all the major parties on manoeuvres. Agnew has kept the seat firmly in the Unity column but the Mercantile party will be eyeing an opportunity.
The complexion of the seat has changed in the decade it was held firmly in the grasp of the eccentric MP by force of his personality. It was said that he could recall the name of every constituent he ever met and had bought most men a pint and most women a flower.
A man of character
Leader of the Opposition Sally Goosen said, “We engaged in many battles across the Chamber but there was always a twinkle in his eyes and he would always stand us a drink in the bar afterwards. He argued on the issues and never on personality which is just as well because he had more personality than a dozen of his colleagues put together.”
She refused to be drawn on the next political steps, saying it was a time for reflection.
A prize constituency
The Mercantile Party will think they have a strong opportunity. The district, home to the city’s legal and aspirant clerking community, will increase the party’s influence in the capital city. And, of course, the Obscure Trading Company, the key backers of the Merchants, would like to have a friendly MP so close to the Obscurity.
The third parties – the Sovereign Party, the Dominion Group, the Natural Party – might see themselves as power brokers but are more likely to take a tilt. A Guardian City MP is a prize and a sign of status. The byelection is bound to throw up opportunities and platforms.
The last words go to new widow Judy. “It was an accident waiting to happen. We were lucky to have him for so long.”
Five memorable moments in the life of Sandy Agnew
- The Pie Standoff: Sandy Agnew once famously refused to leave a parliamentary debate unless served a meat pie. After hours of deadlock, an aide was dispatched to fetch one. Sandy ate it while delivering a filibuster on fishery quotas, now referred to as the “Pie and Pollock Incident.”
- The Wigged Out Protest: During a debate on urban development, Sandy wore his infamous “twig wig” for an entire week, claiming it symbolised the city’s dwindling green spaces. He refused to remove it until a motion to protect an endangered shrub was passed.
- The Cumin Declaration: To protest a proposed tariff on imported cumin, Sandy ate nothing but the powder for a month. This culminated in him spilling a bowl on the Prime Minister during a heated exchange in Parliament.
- Tree Vigil: Sandy once chained himself to a historic oak tree slated for removal. Mistakenly, he camped out under the wrong tree for three days, earning both ridicule and begrudging respect for his commitment to his cause.
- Underground Diplomacy: In a self-assigned mission to investigate Guardian City’s sewer maintenance, Sandy disappeared for two weeks, emerging with a detailed (and unsolicited) manifesto complete with illustrated diagrams of sewer-dwelling creatures he claimed to have befriended.