Government faces backlash as road safety initiative fails, leaving Transport Minister Beachlow in hot water over errors-strewn cobblestone blunder.
Pressing questions have been raised in the Shimmering Parliament over a 10,000 guinea contract to make the Guardian City road network safer.
The two-year plan aimed to “shave” the most dangerous and pronounced cobbled streets. The streets are a feature of the oldest part of the city in the east, notably the Obscurity, Gulch and Rivet districts.
The Metropolitan Board of Transport was compelled to pursue a “shaving” strategy after a flood of legal cases from pedestrians who had tripped as a result of the hazardous and unregulated undulations. Their case was picked up by steam car magnate Sir Miles Devlin who financed legal action as part of his campaign to increase speed limits near the Docks.
One headline-grabbing incident centred on dog walker Esme Wolfgarden, 27. She was forced to dash across the road to retrieve a run-away schnauzer. She caught her ankle on a limestone mogul and fell into a crowd of school children who were fleeing a “scary man with a tin whistle”. In total 37 limbs were broken, of which 17 were human.
What a load of cobblestone
Mr Geoffrey Beachlow, Minister for Transport, told a restless Shimmering Parliament on Wednesday that Operation Road Lathe had been postponed for at least a year as a result of “disappointing” tests.
A pilot scheme had shaved a small district of the Obscurity, just north of the Royal Docks. But, he admitted, “To our consternation, the StonePlaner either cracked the stones beyond repair, or smoothed them to such a high grade of shine that they became an even greater hazard.”
The smooth stones were “as slippery as an ice rink” he told the House. In another incident the dazzling reflection from these glassy surfaces caused a three-vehicle pile up.
In another embarrassment for the Board, the width and weight of the formidable StonePlaner roller – designed in-house – meant that it was too wide for alleyways and too heavy for bridges. Its daunting appearance also caused “nightmares for passers-by” – although the Minister admitted no liability for “hearsay injuries of the feeble-minded”.
Stony ground
Ultimately, the bulky machine was dismantled on site. In a sad irony, the steam waggon transporting the parts back to the workshop in Bilthrop Stymie became jammed in the bluestone section of Landerby Lane. This vehicle also had to be dismantled with parts carried out by hand by means of a bucket chain.
Shadow Minister for Transport Ebula Sykes, called for Mr Beachlow’s resignation over the cobblestone scandal, making some kind of joke about “crushing defeat” which few could hear over the braying noises from the Opposition benches.
An unlikely alliance had formed in opposition to the scheme and lobbied for its demise. Conservationists joined with puritans and the Campaign to Legalise Bloom mounted a significant protest.
They argued that the cobblestones were a prized feature of the Guardian City’s industrial landscape, they encouraged sobriety, and forced upon road users a leisurely random pace which allowed a greater appreciation of the “journey not the destination”.
The groups welcomed the delay and immediately dissolved their partnership.
Esme Wolfgarden told the Guardian City Grub that she was better now and she held no grudge against the cobblestones. Indeed, she said, “That’s where my mother gave birth to the twins”.
“I no longer walk dogs and rely increasingly on upper body strength.”
She now runs an arm-wrestling booth in the Twilight Circus.