Abel Nutkin defaced 24 chocolate spread posters in a week, claiming a condiment conspiracy. He says it’s not madness – it’s self-defence.
In the Petticoat Chafe Assizes, Abel Nutkin, 54, of formerly unblemished record, was fined three guineas and was compelled to pay a similar sum in damages to the Nutkin’s Spread Corporation of Guardian City after defacing advertising posters at seven sites across the city. We managed to catch Mr Nutkin to talk about his bizarre war against the chocolate spread giant.
The Gulp: Mr Nutkin, You ripped down or defaced 24 posters over the course of a week and when they were restored you defaced them again.
Abel Nutkin: I did.
TG: Why?
AN: Nutkin’s Spread.
TG: Would you care to elaborate?
AN: The posters were advertising Nutkin’s Spread.
TG: And you don’t like Nutkin’s Spread.
AN: Is synthetic and artificial, yes, but I didn’t assault the poster because of taste.
TG: Why then?
They stole my idea
AN: I object to the usurpation of my name by a large corporation, namely the Nutkin’s Spread Corporation of Warehouse 12, The Rivet, Guardian City.
TG: You are Abel Nutkin?
AN: I am.
TG: Other people have names they share with corporations, they do not generally deface their posters.
AN: Ah, but you see, it’s not just my name. They have ripped off my intellectual property as well.
TG: You have a Nutkin’s Spread of your own?
AN: I do. One that was originally formulated a decade ago and has been providing satisfaction for my wife and close associates ever since. It is quite the talk of the Supper Club. That this company can come along and with mischief aforethought steal my name and my property… where will it lead, I ask. Where?
TG: Mr Nutkins…
AN: … Where, I say?
TG: Mr Nutkins, you have kindly provided us with a jar of your own home-brand Nutkin’s Sauce.
AN: Made in my shed from natural ingredients grown on my own allotments. Ask my wife. I’m out there all weathers. “Get out from under my feet,” she says and I resort to the shed for some jar action.
TG: Mr Nutkins, our food scientists quickly established that this is not a chocolate spread at all, this is a relish. This is a condiment made from a mixture of chopped vegetables, fruits, herbs and spices in a vinegar based sauce.
AN: From my allotment, yes.
TG: But this is a savoury relish, Mr Nutkins. How can this other sauce, a chocolate sauce, be a rival?
AN: You see…
TG: Mr Nutkins?
AN: The label reads Nutkin’s Sauce. Look. They’re the same. There will be confusion in the marketplace. My wife or close associates or probationary members of the Supper Club might, by mistake, take a jar of this inferior sauce, spread it on a cracker or such and think – Mr Nutkin has gone crazy. He’s gone berserk.
It’s a matter of principle
TG: How many jars of your sauce do you make?
AN: A dozen a year.
TG: The Nutkin Sauce corporation makes 100,000 units a year.
AN: I don’t see what that’s got to do with anything. It’s the principle. You let matters like this slip and next minute you’re, well, I don’t know what you’re doing but you’re not doing it right. Do. It. Right. It’s the Nutkin way. It was my father’s way and his father’s. The Nutkin Way, we call it. My great-grandfather cleaned chimneys. Removed every speck of soot. Took him weeks. Died penniless. But that’s the Nutkin Way.
TG: And for my notes, that’s your name? Abel Nutkin.
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AN: Yes.
TG: Is it true that until two months ago you were Terry Tinker who had a small sideline selling Tinker’s Relish which tastes remarkably like Nutkin Sauce – your vegetable-based Nutkin Sauce? And is it true that you have bombarded the Nutkin Sauce Corporation with numerous writs and demands for damages and that there is a restraining order out against you? Did you, in fact, change your name to Nutkin simply to pursue this campaign?
AN: No, sir! No! That is not the Nutkin Way.
TG: Mr Tinker, thank you.