Residents of Wisteria Drive demand a name change, citing sleepless nights, stolen signs, and chaos fuelled by magical myths.
Residents in Scandling’s Corridor are demanding authorities change the name of their street – and end an ordeal they have branded “a nightmare”.
The address of Wisteria Drive, in the Guardian City, is causing all kinds of chaos and misunderstandings, according to a petition lodged with municipal authorities.
Wisteria is a colourful flower, a relative of the legume family. Its impressive drooping blooms come in all shades, from white, lilac-blue, and, most dramatically, a dark purple. A fully mature wisteria has the appearance of a dappled waterfall – none of this is part of the problem.
Indeed, there are no wisteria at all in barren Wisteria Drive, part of a collection of streets in the “green” Scandling’s Corridor all named after flowers. But, again, the paucity of the flower is not the reason the residents are up in arms.
Root cause of Wisteria hysteria
No, it is the allusion to “Wist” that is bringing trouble and “strange undesirables” to this well-appointed cul-de-sac, according to campaign leader Grelda Gymnast, who works part-time in the General Audit Office of the Shimmerings Parliament.
Wist, as many know, is the name given to a kind of yearning that, it is said, gives certain people – the Wistful – the ability to disrupt the natural order. It is known elsewhere as magic.*
Hence the problem.
Mrs Gymnast, a mother of three, said, “They all come round here thinking this is a Wist focal point. They knock on our doors asking where the portal is. Every week some idiot prises off the road sign as a souvenir. On nights of the full moon or spring tides, we have full scale parties outside. I can show you a flyer – Wisteria Hysteria it’s called. Don’t get a wink of sleep. People in robes playing the crwth at all hours.”
Her neighbour, 83-year-old Flarth Corby backs the petition. Flarth is a retired sailor and, complete with a long white beard, wispy hair upon his head, armfuls of exotic tattoos and a pet stoat on a leash, he’s often mistaken for Wist. He is frequently mobbed on his way to the shops.
The legend of Daisy Speakes
He said, “They ask me to turn them into all sorts – dogs, sheep, bats. Or turn their dogs, sheep and bats into humans. It’s usually one or the other. I don’t think they’ve thought it through, frankly.”
The plight of the residents – most of whom wished to remain anonymous – is not helped by the Legend of Daisy Speakes. Daisy Speakes was an 11-year-old school girl who lived in an area of Guardian City which historians and folklore experts have located as Wisteria Drive but was, 100 years ago, mostly grassland and farm buildings.
Daisy, it is claimed, possessed an ability to make flowers bloom to her touch and to understand how they communicated. She would spend hours in rose beds chatting amiably to the plants. Once word got out, she became something of a marvel with people bringing their plants to her and asking what they were thinking.
Aphids and pollination were the most popular topics that preoccupied the florets, she reported.
What became of Daisy?
Her powers alarmed the authorities who sent a panel of magistrates to test her powers. She claimed she could tell everything about the panel’s members from their gardens. So she skipped from house to house, spilling gossip until the tour was prematurely called to a halt after she revealed the chairman’s illicit liaison with a milkmaid.
She was accused of being Wistful and sentenced to be placed in a dungeon with no window on the countryside to diminish her powers.
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It is said that on the morning she was due to be taken, she conjured up an entire meadow of wild flowers, twice her height. She walked into the forest of vibrant blooms and was never seen again, although people claim to hear her speak when they put their ear to a daffodil’s trumpet.
Her story was written up in a book called Daisy’s Secrets, now banned but believed to be circulated freely in Wistful circles.
Is there good news round the corner?
“None of this helps,” said Mrs Gymnast with a hint of exasperation. “Please don’t write about Daisy in your paper. It’ll just set them off again.”
She said residents had reached a mutual agreement to plant no flowers or cultivate no patch of common land in order to dissuade the pilgrims, although visitors tended to leave bouquets of daisies along the stretch of road.
As we spoke, news emerged that the petition had been successful and the street naming sub-committee had agreed to a change. Wisteria Drive will be in the future known as Belladonna’s End.
“You are kidding me,” said Mrs Gymnast on receipt of the news, reaching for a sheet of lined paper.
*Mention of Wist is permitted for reasons of news, public information and education under statute. Please do not contact Flag in reference to this article.